Friendship in Adulthood

New Girl is one of my favorite TV shows. In my mind, it’s a more present day version of Friends. They’re both shows about a group of adults, navigating life’s joys, journeys and trials. Friendships so strong that they’re there for each other during funerals, breakups, promotions, marriages and all of the big moments in life. But, even more prominently, they’re there for each other through all the little moments. The day to day. They know each other better than they know themselves. It’s a concept that’s so comforting to me and something I wish was easier to replicate in real life. I know I’m not the only one who thought adulthood would look like Friends!

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The reality is quite different. At least for me. I moved around a lot as a kid, so making new friends was a requirement. New school, no problem. You’d just start chatting with the kid next to you in class or see who was nice enough to include you on the playground. New neighborhood, no problem. You’d just go outside and see if you could play with the countless kids who were already running around in the cul-de-sac. New state in the middle of high school, a little more of a problem. Everyone already had their groups of friends, so I existed on the periphery of a few groups, but still managed to make friends. But, all of that moving meant none of my friendships lasted the test of time. While most people have friends they’ve known their whole lives or strong friendships that got them through high school or college, I have a bunch of friendships that lasted the 2-3 years that I lived in a given place. And thank goodness for those friendships. I’m thankful for every single one of them, but it didn’t leave me with a friendship like Ross and Chandler (RIP).

So, knowing that I don’t have “built in” friendships, I’ve had to take the path of making friends in adulthood. You might be thinking, “oh that’s easy, you made friends as a child all the time since you moved so much.” Wrong. Not so easy, despite the practice. I’m introverted to my core. So, not only is making friends in adulthood already hard enough, I’m also trying to do it while every fiber of my being is uncomfy with “striking up a conversation” with a stranger. I would love to be the outgoing person who can make conversation with anyone and befriend everyone, but that’s just not me. That’s something I’ve had to accept about myself, but also something I don’t want to allow myself to use as an excuse.

Doing scary things brings growth, opportunities, and hopefully friendships. Now, I’m not going to get ahead of myself. I have zero intentions of just chatting up anyone and everyone, but I hope to get a little more out of my comfort zone. When my husband and I go out to eat, go to a bar, or walk our dog, we sometimes see couples that look our age. I always say, “they seem cool, how do we become friends with them?” Well, the first obvious answer is to talk to them. Which I never do. So, I’m starting there! That’s the only way to make friends in adulthood, especially in a city we aren’t from. What’s the worst that could happen? An awkward conversation here or there won’t hurt me. (I also have a very outgoing husband who will likely carry the conversation hallelujah.)

I have a few good friends. Over the space of time, life stage changes, moving and all the other things that life throws at us, they’ve remained. Even though they remain, sometimes all of those things make the space between people grow just a little bit during a given period of time. That’s completely fine and doesn’t take away from the friendship. But, during those periods when the gap is the widest, it’s good to introduce new friendships and build new bonds for the current space. New friendships don’t diminish the existing ones. If anything, this is the part of childhood friendships that lingered with me the most. The fear of losing the friendships I have. Of not being willing to let them go if they don’t fit anymore. The guilt of having to move on. But, now I know, friendships flow as people grow.

Credit:Jane Fonda quote; unknown image

My adulthood friendships might not look like New Girl or Friends, but it doesn’t mean I can’t continue to seek fulfilling and supportive friendships. It doesn’t mean that ten years from now, I might have new best friends that I don’t even know now. That’s what I’m hoping for! Hope isn’t enough (friendships won’t fall in my lap while I’m sitting on the couch at home being anti-social as much as I wish they would), so I’m going to try to make it happen!

Not to mention, my very best friends are my husband and my sister and they’re stuck with me for life anyways. <3

Sick of the Word "Career"

The longest standing struggles of my life (my whole 31 years) have been discovering what my purpose is, understanding my passions or having a plan for my path.

I’m in a traditional job. A corporate gig. A 9-5. I chose what my college major was going to be when I was eighteen years old. And since then, I’ve been in some kind of role that reflects the application of that finance degree. If I look back on it, I have no clue what made me choose finance. Knowing I was good at math combined with an engrained belief that the traditional job path was the only way. I wasn’t born with that belief obviously, but I received plenty of conditioning to bring me to that point early on. Get good grades. Go to college. Get a degree. Get a job. Build a career. Retire at 65. All while having an underlying level of fear of failure. insert crying laughing emoji

I started with strong goals and great intentions. When asked about my career goals, I would adamantly proclaim that I wanted to become CFO of a company. No clue which company, but I knew the top tier of corporate life was something that started with a “C.” So, in my case that meant CFO. But then pretty early on in my working life, I started to feel a sense of discomfort. Something pushing back against my day to day. I started witnessing that success, reward and recognition weren’t just awarded for doing great work and adding value. They were awarded based on favoritism, gender (a post for a later day), and “playing the game.” Now, I’m a Type A, enneagram 1 and Cancer. So, following the rules, acting justly and treating people kindly and fairly quite literally drive my entire existence. Unfortunately, the same things don’t always drive Corporate America.

To combat the feelings, I’ve changed companies, relinquished expectations and come to terms with the fact that I don’t actually want to be a CFO. I’ve focused on the parts of my work life that I can control and I’ve tried to show up in a positive way for myself and for those around me. But wow does that suck the energy out of me. To be positive when I feel negative. To be happy when I feel defeated. To try to uplift and encourage others when I feel discouraged and deflated. It’s a constant battle that I’m still in the midst of, but it’s something that I want to reconcile this year. Making a big exit from Corporate America is probably not in my cards for 2025, but I can’t accept another year on the hamster wheel. I can’t just sit through more of the same while I know fully that it’s not fulfilling me, and in fact actively doing the opposite. I need to rework what my future looks like.

I was asked a few weeks ago what my career goals are. This person asked, “what are the things you want to accomplish by certain ages?” And for the first time, I was honest. I replied saying that I didn’t have any. I was no longer setting milestones for myself or telling myself that I needed to achieve certain titles, salaries or responsibilities by certain ages. I was answering as someone who has been promoted, reached salary goals and met my expectation to lead a team by thirty. But now, my sole goal is to find a way to enjoy what I do and feel like my role has a purpose that I believe in. That’s it. The only goal. The person I gave that answer to didn’t like it. They scoffed a little because they were clearly someone who has lived by a timeline no matter the consequences and they had made it far because of that. I have zero judgement for that person. But, I’m sick of the expectation that we all have a career plan.

credit:Irina Zoica

I chose my college degree when I was eighteen. Thirteen years later, more sure of myself, confident in my interests and firm in my beliefs, I can certainly say that I would not choose the same career path if I were starting over today. I don’t have regrets and don’t feel like I missed out on something different, but why would I hold myself to a ten year plan when I know ten years ago, I didn’t want the same things I want now? Why do we still hold people to such rigid timelines? And even more so, why do we judge people if they don’t have an answer to what their five, ten and twenty year career (or life) plans are? I hope this expectation becomes outdated. I hope our society starts to align with careers that can change, evolve and flow just as we do as humans. I hope five years from now, I can look back and feel proud of the changes I made in my work life that helped me feel more fulfilled, more joyful and less burdened by the hours I spent doing the thing that made my living.

So, the next time you go to ask someone their career goals, where they see themselves in ten years or what their plan is, I challenge you to change the question. Ask them how they hope to feel, what they’re looking to get out of their work or what kind of team they want to be surrounded by! There’s more to work than a title! Here’s to changing the narrative around careers! I know I’m excited to take a different approach!

What Are We In For?

We are days away from a new President being sworn into office, but “new” is not the right term. It’s someone we are all too familiar with. But I’m not here to talk about that person. I’m here to talk about the environment in which we are set to swear this person back into office.

I’m a big believer in signs. Not in the sense of signs dictating my path or my decisions, but in the sense that signs are there to serve as a reminder, a validation or a warning. So, when I started to see the signs building up around this moment in history, I knew I had to document them all. I personally believe we will be so inundated with big news, big change and big heartbreak over the next four years that I want to take a moment before it all begins. Four years from now, when we’re hopefully electing a new President, I think it may be easy to forget the signs that were setting the stage for what was to come. So, these are the ones I’m taking note of.

PHOTOGRAPH BY BETTMANN/GETTY via National Geographic

This term, Inauguration Day falls on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, January 20th. Since the inception of MLK Jr. Day, only one other President has been inaugurated on a Monday that overlapped (Bill Clinton). After it overlapping this year, both occasions won’t fall on the same day again until 2053. Why is something so rare happening this time around? I can see the negative or sad take. It’s so infuriating that on the same day that we’re supposed to be celebrating the life of a man who fought for basic human rights for an entire race, we’re now having to share that day with someone who has actively threatened to take away the basic human rights of many groups of people. But, I will actively choose to see it another way. As a sign. A sign that over the next four years, we will all be called to have even an ounce of the courage of Martin Luther King Jr. We will be challenged time and time again to fight for the rights of all the people that this administration has threatened, demeaned or scapegoated. It’s on us.

This Inauguration Day, the American flag was supposed to be flown at half staff for the first time in American history. Due to the passing of President Carter, flags are supposed to fly at half staff for 30 days, as is the flag code and respect we are supposed to give in mourning of a passed former President. Unfortunately, the incoming President has decided to break that code and demand that the flags be flown at full staff on Inauguration Day. Not only is flying them at full staff a sign of disrespect, but it also would have been a sign of mourning for our country if they would have maintained the half staff mandate. Half staff represents respect for a tragedy or a loss. Recognition that something monumental has impacted our country in a significant enough way that we need to recognize it across the country. I think that sign would have been extremely fitting for this incoming administration. But, I also plan to use it as a reminder, that amidst tragedy and sadness, we can all find light and hope. During tragedy is when you tend to see the best of people, so I hope we can all bring the best of ourselves for each other these next few years.

The weather on January 20th is going to be below freezing and cloudy in DC. Update! The Inauguration was even moved inside. I fully think that weather dictates mood. Cold and dim feels fitting. The cold elicits a physical reaction of being tense and alert, with the focus of finding warmth or sun so our bodies can regulate. This is another sign that will serve as a reminder that we need to be the light for each other. If the sun isn’t coming out, we need to shed warmth and light on the areas where others plan to strip it away. You may think that this sign is a stretch, but I think it’s one of the most indisputable. The environment is actually serving as a full representation of the day and the days to come.

Those are just a few, but there are a lot more. The announcement that they’re going to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. The confirmation of military force to take control of the Panama Canal. The insinuation that we should control Canada and Greenland for national security (but we all know it’s natural resources.) These are all signs of an administration that isn’t actually trying to represent the interests of our citizens, but instead is only trying to look out for themselves. The current President just warned us of an Oligarchy in the making and I think we should all be taking that warning seriously.

I could come up with plenty of other signs that make it seem pretty clear what we’re in for, but I just wanted to document a moment in time for myself. A time where I’m feeling weary and nervous. A time where all signs are pointing to something tough that we’ll have to collectively overcome. I fully believe in moments like this, we have to focus on the good, look out for one another and speak up in situations when we may have stood on the sidelines in the past. They always say that the loudest few are the ones that are heard and they’re the ones being heard right now. Let this serve as your reminder that there are so many of us who want nothing more than a place where everyone can feel safe, loved and cared for as every human is owed. We may not be the loudest few, but we can make sure that our voices don’t get drowned out over the next four years. It’s up to us to do good in a world that wants to make us feel like the negative is too strong.

What are you going to do over the next few years to be a force for good? That’s the question I’ll keep asking myself and acting on. I plan on setting up a recurring donation to the ACLU. I plan on striving to find the facts amongst the disinformation that is already rampant and bound to get worse. I plan to educate myself. I plan to educate others when the opportunity allows. I plan on being there for the groups of people that will inherently be the most affected. And I plan on writing here, in this space, in hopes of being a place where others can feel welcome and safe. I hope you’ll stick around <3